


The Cool and Uncool

by UAs_Fics



Category: South Park
Genre: Childhood shenanigans, F/M, One-Shot, Revin Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-09 17:55:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20122471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UAs_Fics/pseuds/UAs_Fics
Summary: Kevin's not a bad boyfriend. He and Red get along so well! So why won't she let them be seen together? Is he really that uncool?ForRevin Weekdays 2-5





	The Cool and Uncool

**Author's Note:**

> For Revin Week. I combined several prompts (Days 1-5) for this because I wouldn't have time to actually make quality content otherwise, so it counts for all those days. ^^;

* * *

* * *

Kevin burst his hand away from his head.

"Those special effects blew my mind!" He exclaimed, excitedly swinging their hands. "Did you see the laser fire? So cool!"

Red nodded in agreement. "I know! And the costumes were so realistic. If I didn't know better, I would have thought they hired real aliens." She sighed. "We've come so far from actors throwing themselves around a set to show turbulence."

The two waited at the crosswalk as a line of cars slowly rolled by. The evening flow of traffic would make walking Red home a bit of a chore on any other day, but Kevin didn't care this time. 

They had been counting down the days to the movie's premiere. With the influx of superhero movies lately, a good old fashion sci-fi space adventure was mana from heaven for them. 

It wasn't that either of them hated superhero movies. On the contrary, Kevin loved Marvel's movies. When he heard the plot of the new _Thor_ movie, he dug through his collection of comics for the mini-series where Jane became Thor while Thor went soulsearching and read them three times over in his excitement.

And Red had a deep fondness for DC's movies and comics. She could quote the Joker's joke about the inmates and the flashlight from 'The Killing Joke' verbatim. She saw _Wonder Woman_ five times when the movie came out and even dressed up as her for the Halloween party at school. She looked so cool and awesome, way better than the other Wonder Women in their class.

But there inlined the problem. Except for Wonder Woman, DC's movies sucked. Their comics were good enough and the animated universe from the nineties was awesome, but those are nothing compared to the glory that was Marvel's extended universe. 

Whenever Kevin pointed this out, they would argue about it. They even broke up for a whole three days because of it!

This one-shot sci-fi film was just what the relationship doctors ordered.

"So, what did you think the ending meant?" Red asked. "Did the captain die or do you think her cryogenic status will hold out until she reaches New Earth?"

Kevin tilted his head in thought. "Well, I think she'll make it. The technical experts did say it was able to make it there, or nearly there. She might wake up a few days before, but that will give her time to draw up a report to give to the Emporer of New Earth"

"But it was damaged, remember? In the fight with the alien--" Red froze. With a small gasp, she tore her hand away from Kevin's and shoved it in her pocket.

Kevin furrowed his brow and looked down at his mitten-covered hand. Did he have a hard candy from his pocket stuck to it again? No? They why would Red drop his hands?

"Hey! Red!"

Oh, right.

Bebe trotted up to her, completely ignoring Kevin, which he was fine with. He put his hands in his own pockets and looked away, kicking at a rock on the sidewalk.

"Bebe, hi, what are you doing? I thought you went out with Clyde?" She looked around her towards Tweak Bros down the street. Kevin looked too, but he didn't see Clyde or anyone else in their class near the coffee shop.

Bebe scoffed. "We did but then your stupid cousin showed up." She wrinkled her nose. "He dared Clyde to see how many muffins he could eat and Clyde ended up puking on the floor."

Red recoiled. "Eeeew! Why are boys so gross?"

"I know, right?" Bebe looped her arm around Red's. "Do you wanna come to my house? I got the latest issue of _Preteen Girl's Dream_ in and there is a quiz in there you just have to take to find out what your favorite cereal is based on your zodiac--and there is a recipe for moss graffiti that I think Wendy would love to try. Oh and an interview with--"

As Bebe rattled off the contents of the magazine, Red looked over her shoulder at Kevin with an apologetic smile. Kevin sighed but nodded anyway. He gave her a small wave then trudged across the clear crosswalk home.

* * *

Not even _Star Trek_ could lift his spirits. Kevin slumped down in the couch, wishing the cushions would open up and swallow him whole. Maybe take him to a fantasy world with characters that look oddly like his friends and family where he would beat the odds and become a hero to the people and defeat the bad guy. He'd loved that.

Then when he got back to his world after being king and loved by all, Red wouldn't be ashamed of dating him and he could be happy here, too!

As the credits of the last episode on the disk rolled, Kevin had yet to be swallowed up.

Giving up on that possibility, he rolled to his side, staring at the title screen playing clips from the show. 

He didn't get it. Did it matter that much that he wasn't a cool kid like she was? Didn't dating her move him up in the social pecking order? Or did he just pull her down?

Kevin sighed. What could he do to make himself cooler? He stopped wearing his Klingon ears to school and only made a minimum of three references in conversations not about sci-fi movies. Didn't that erase enough of his uncool status?

A thought hit him.

Clyde and Craig were both nerds too. They liked sci-fi. They made references. They were cool kids. He just needed to find out what they did!

"Moooom!" Kevin yelled towards the kitchen. "Can I go visit Clyde? It'll only be for an hour. Please? I promise I'll text you if I'm late."

From the kitchen, pots and pans rattled and the sink turned on. Just as Kevin pulled in a breath to yell again, his mom replied, "Alright, you may. Just be careful and back before dinner. We're having meatloaf."

"Thanks, Mom!"

Kevin tried to jump to his feet, only to have his heels tangle in the throw blanket and fall to his face into the carpet.

* * *

Clyde put his hand on his hip and eyed Kevin up and down.

"What's up?" He asked. "You look out of breath."

Kevin nodded, hands on his knees. He ran the whole way to Clyde's house so he could have as much time as possible before dinner to talk.

"Can I," He panted, "come in? I have to ask you a question, then I have to run and ask Craig a question too."

Clyde stepped aside to let him. "Craig's here with me. You can ask him now if you want."

"That's perfect!" Kevin straightened up. 

"We're in the living room watching _Buzzfeed Unsolved._" Clyde waved for him to follow. 

In the Donovan's living room, Craig reclined on the couch, chuckling at whatever the hosts had said a moment prior. 

"Hey, dude," Clyde leaned over the back of the couch, "Kevin Stoley is here. He has a question."

Craig twisted around to give Kevin an uninterested look.

"Yeah?" He nodded. "What?"

Kevin opened his mouth, then shut it. He squirmed under Craig and Clyde's gazes.

"Um, I, I need to know, ah, um," He chewed his lip, "how...how are you two so cool? You like the same things I do, but no one thinks you two are nerds."

Craig snorted and rolled back to the laptop set up on the coffee table. Clyde covered his laugh with his fist.

"Oh, wow, really, Kevin?" Clyde shook his head. "That's what you ran over here to ask?" 

"Yes? It's very important." Kevin wrung his hands together. 

Clyde threw his arm over his shoulder. He patted his chest with a shake of his head.

"Oh, Kevin, my friend, for a nerd you're not that smart," Clyde chided, "Coolness isn't something you can just learn. It's something either you have or you don't."

"But...but what makes you cool? Why do your girlfriends like to be with you?" Kevin paused, then corrected, "Why do your partners like to be with you?"

Without turning around, Craig asked, "Are you asking this because you want a girlfriend? There are plenty of girls closer to your social standing that would date you, dude." He paused the video to get a better look at a picture of some sort of creature. 

A blush crept up his face. "N-no, I, ah, just tell me. Why do people like you? Why does Bebe stay with you?"

Craig chuckled, earning a glare from Clyde.

"Weeeeell," Clyde bobbed his head side to side, "girls like me because I'm super handsome and charismatic. Bebe thinks I'm the best boy ever--_no matter what happened today._" Clyde flipped Craig the bird, which he returned without looking up from the laptop.

"Yeah, well, Tweek likes me because...uuuuh..." Craig straightened up as he thought. "I don't know, man. Fate or something? I'm ten times hotter than Clyde?" He propped himself up on the couch to question, "What girl do you want to date so bad? All the cool girls don't seem like your...type."

"There's not a girl!" Kevin lied, "I, I just want to be cool."

"Why? You have friends. You don't sit alone at lunch. No one bullies you more than anyone else." Craig ticked off on his fingers. "You're even on the basketball team. What's the point?"

Craig's probing stare made sweat spring up on Kevin's skin before narrowing his eyes. Even Clyde started giving him the suspicious look.

"Fine! It's Red!" He blurted out. "We're dating but she doesn't want anyone to know because I'm not as cool as her and I just really want to be able to tell everyone what a cool girlfriend I have!"

Kevin slapped his hand over his mouth and backed out of Clyde's grasp. 

"Oh, shoot! Please, you can't tell anyone. She'll be mad at me."

Clyde's mouth hung open while Craig wrinkled his nose.

"Eeeeeew, gross." Craig stuck out his tongue as Clyde demanded, "How?!"

"I don't know?" 

"Red is...and you are...but Red is hot!" Clyde gasped. "She's cool and I dated her once. Why would someone like her date someone like you?"

Kevin started, "Well, we both like sci-fi and comics and stuff, and I was at the library and we wanted to check out the same book and--"

"But she's hot!" Clyde cut in.

Craig jumped off the couch. He walked beside Clyde to grabbed hold of the back of his shirt and pull it over his head, leaving his friend tangled in cotton fabric.

"Shut up about my cousin!" Craig snapped. "She's not hot. She's a loser and a nerd, just like Kevin. They're perfect for each other."

"Red is not a loser!" Kevin defended. "And neither am I. Just tell me what to do to make her ok with being seen with me."

Clyde disentangled himself from his shirt with a suck of breath. He smoothed out his hair and readjusted his clothes.

"Ok, you know what, yeah, yeah, ok, I'll help you be cool," Clyde proclaimed. "We just need to fix your hair, and your voice, and your face..."

Craig took his cellphone from his pocket as Kevin asked what was wrong with his hair, voice, and face. He took a few steps backwards before heading into the kitchen.

* * *

Bebe finished tallying up the questionnaire with a flourish of her pen. Red rested her chin in her hands as she laid on her stomach on Bebe's bed. 

"Ok, so, according to this quiz, your perfect guy is a hunky scientist," Bebe exclaimed. "How sweet, Red. You'll be like Marrie Currie!"

"Dying of radiation poisoning?" Red laughed, taking the test to make sure Bebe tallied right.

"No, like, working with your man and winning the Nobel prize in science or something. You're really good at science." Bebe elaborated. 

"I'm not that good," Red rolled her eyes. She was good at science, actually, very good. It's just so interesting and cool, but if she owned up to that, Bebe might think she was bragging.

"Yes, you are!" She pushed her shoulder. "You're going to do some cool space science things, and I'll discover how to talk to dolphins, and we'll both have really hot hubbies standing by us."

"You mean you'll have Clyde eating all the tiny quiches at the ceremony dinner?" Red teased.

Bebe put her hand to her chest in offense. She opened her mouth to snap something at her when Red's phone rang.

She held up a finger and took it out. She raised an eyebrow. Why was Craig calling her? 

"One second." She held the phone to her ear. "Hello? Craig? What do you want?"

"You're dating Kevin Stoley?"

Her heart stopped in her chest. Her gaze whipped towards Bebe. Luckily, Bebe had moved to her desk with the magazine and was copying something down in her notebook.

"What are you talking about?" Red hissed, twisting to sit up with her back away from Bebe. 

"Kevin? Kevin Stoley? The nerd? The only Chinese kid we had until like last year? Cosplays Spock every chance he gets?" Craig replied in a deadpan. "Your boyfriend, apparently?"

Red forced a breath through her teeth. "Who told you that?"

"Kevin did. I'm at Clyde's. He came running in demanding to know how to be cool. I--I mean _Clyde_ bullied him into telling us why," Craig explained. "He said he wanted to be cool so you wouldn't be embarrassed by him."

Red's cheeks burned. Hopping to her feet, she told Bebe she needed to take the call to the hall. Bebe nodded understandingly before taking her own phone out to snap a picture of a magazine page.

Once out in the hall, Red demanded, "You bullied him?!"

"I didn't. Didn't you hear me? Clyde did." 

She could hear the eye roll in his tone.

"So you are dating then?" he continued. 

Red looked up and down the hall then whispered, "Yeah? We are. He's really sweet and smart, and if you keep picking on him, I swear I'll get you, Craig Tucker."

"Wow, breaking out the last name. What are you, _Bertha Red_, my mom?" Craig mocked. He knew using her first and middle name like that would get under her skin.

"Shut up!" Red ordered. "Just, urgh! What's going on? Is Kevin still there?"

Craig hummed. "Yeah, he is. Clyde is giving him a list of what he can do to be cool like he is."

Red winced. Cool like Clyde? Clyde wasn't really cool. Sure, he acted cool and confident and brave, but everyone knew that was a lie. He cried at the drop of a hat and wouldn't stand up for himself if his friends weren't standing with him. Clyde was just as big of a nerd as Kevin. Why would Kevin ever thing to get tips on coolness from him?

Craig spoke, filling up the silence her stunned reaction caused, "Do you really think Kevin will drag your standing down that far? How do you know dating you wouldn't bring him up?."

The sound of a refrigerator being open came from the other end of the phone, followed by Craig calling to ask Clyde if he could have some orange juice.

Red squirmed against the wall as if Craig was in the hall staring her down. She wasn't sure what would happen if she told everyone she was dating someone as uncool as Kevin.

When Heidi started dating Cartman, she became a laughing stock. Though Kevin wasn't nearly as terrible as Cartman, the last thing Red wanted was to be mocked for liking a nerd. 

"You wouldn't understand," she finally replied.

"No, I get it." Craig shifted the phone. "Tweek wasn't all that cool when we started dating, but he's really cool now. I bet it'll be the same thing, at least if you keep Kevin from making too many _Star Wars_ references."

Red groaned. "That's not the same. You and Tweek are _cute_ together because you two are like opposites. It's like a dog and a cat playing together!"

Craig swallowed some orange juice on the other end. "Wait, what? Am I the cat? Or the dog?"

"It doesn't matter." Red began to pace, twiddling with the ends of her hair. "We aren't different enough! It's not cute. It's weird that I would be interested in him."

"But not for him to be interested in you?" 

"No, because I'm cool and popular."

"Clyde called you 'hot,' and I corrected him that you are a loser and a nerd." Craig teased. "Aren't I a good cousin?"

"Screw you! Stop making fun of me." Red threw her hand up as she came to the end of the hall. "I want to tell people we're dating, but I can't!" She spun on her heels to head back towards Bebe's bedroom. "No one can know that Kevin and I are dat...ing."

Bebe's mouth hung open. The magazine fell from her hands to the floor, falling open to the future spouse quiz.

"You have a boyfriend?!" Bebe gasped, her hands flying to her mouth.

"Shoot!" Red flinched back.

"Red?" Craig's voice almost sounded concerned. 

"Craig, I need to go. Talk to you later." Red went to end the call, only to quickly add, "Also go make Clyde stop before he gets Kevin thinking vomiting and mosquitoes are cool."

Before Craig could reply, she clicked end and shove the phone into her pocket.

"You have a boyfriend?" Bebe repeated. "Who? Kevin who? Not Kevin McCormick? He's, like, thirteen and smells like tobacco."

"No, I, um..." Red wracked her brain for a lie but came up with nothing that would be even close to believable. "It's not Kevin McCormick."

Bebe bound up to her. She wrapped her fingers around her arm, buzzing with excitement. 

"Then who? Is it that Kevin from fifth grade? Not that Kevin from Middle Park?" Bebe's eyes grew as she searched Red up and down as if she might have a sign on her chest with Kevin's full name.

"Bebe, please, drop it," Red begged. "It's a secret."

"I can keep a secret." Bebe grinned. When Red didn't answer, her face fell in confusion. "What's wrong? Is he a," her voice dropped down, "an adult?"

"No!" Red pushed her away. "I am not dating a grown-up! That's gross." 

"Then who is it?" Bebe demanded to know. "You can't just say something like you want to tell people you two are dating but can't. Who is it? The only other Kevin I can think of is..." 

She trailed off, brows furrowed. 

"Kevin Stoley. Are you dating Kevin Stoley?" 

Red's shoulders slumped and she accepted the inevitable.

"Ummm, yes," she admitted, waiting for Bebe to start mocking her for dating Kevin. 

"Wow." Bebe pursed her lips. "Kevin Stoley."

The repugnance in Bebe's tone made Red's stomach twist. She had expected it, of course, but instead of making her ashamed, she felt angry.

"He's not that bad!" Red snapped. "Kevin is a sweet guy. He's creative and passionate about what he likes." Red pointed a finger into Bebe's collar bone, moving into her personal space as she spoke. "And he lent me all his 'FlashPoint' comics when the website I was reading them on gave my dad's laptop a virus. He's just as good of a boyfriend as Clyde is!" 

Bebe held up her hands in defense. "I never said he wasn't." 

Red narrowed her eyes incredulously, taking a step back. 

Bebe fought the urge to roll her eyes. "Look, if you want to date him, cool, whatever. Why does it matter?"

Furrowing her brows, Red frowned. "You don't think it's weird on me for dating him? He's a nerd who likes _Star Trek_ and wore a Spock cosplay for a week to school."

Bebe rolled her eyes. "Yeah? So?" She shrugged. "Clyde brought a _jar of mosquitoes_ with him everywhere for two weeks. Pointy alien elf ears are nothing compared to that."

"Klingon." Red corrected automatically. "They're Klingon ears."

This time Bebe did roll her eyes, but, Red didn't feel any malcontent from it. Maybe this wouldn't be as bad as she had always envisioned.

* * *

Kevin sighed as he trudged up the school steps. His cool lessons didn't get all that far before Craig can out of the kitchen with a glass of orange juice, eyed Kevin up and down again, then proclaimed he was a lost cause and Clyde was wasting his time. 

Before Kevin could stop him, he'd grabbed Clyde and drug him against his will back to the couch to finish watching their video.

While Kevin did enjoy learning about the Moth Man, he couldn't help feel he wasted his time. He didn't learn a thing about being cool or how to fix his face, hair, or voice. 

"Hey. Hey, Kevin."

He paused and looked over his shoulder to see Dougie rushing up to him.

"Oh, greetings, Dougie." He flashed him a Volcan Salute, which Dougie returned. Dougie vibrated with contagious excitement.

"Did you go see the movie this weekend?" He asked. "I did. I went with my mom and Butters. I liked the music and how the ships look. What did you like?"

Kevin's uplifted mood fell as he remembered what happened right after the movie.

"The lasers, I guess," He muttered, looking at his shoes. One of the laces was double knotted and the other wasn't. He'd have to fix that before class--like an uncool nerd.

A hand slipped around his hand, taking him from his thoughts.

"My favorite part was how the captain defeated the alien with the water and electricity," Red chirped, leaning against Kevin's side, nearly toppling him over with her greater size. 

Dougie turned a shocked, wide-eyed face to Kevin. Kevin kept his own shocked, wide-eyed face fixed on Red.

What was she doing? Why was she holding his hand in front of everyone outside of the school? He could feel all the eyes of the other kids on them and hear their whispers. 

"R-Red?" Kevin stammered. "You're holding my hand."

"Well, duh," she threw her hair over her shoulder, "we are dating."

A collective gasp came from all the students around them. Red turned a sharp glare towards them, and everyone spun around. Kevin half expected them to start whistling nonchalantly. 

Dougie took a step back. He waved goodbye to Kevin before bolting off, leaving the two alone to talk.

"We are, but, you don't like..." he shook his head. "Aren't I too uncool?"

She nodded. "Yeah, you are, but it's ok now."

Kevin frowned and looked down at himself. Did something change since yesterday? Did he get super buff and handsome while he slept last night? Maybe he did go to a fantasy world last night and just didn't remember, but when he looked down, he didn't see anything different, except the little stain from the meatloaf last night on his stomach.

"It is?" Kevin asked. "Why?"

"Well, I just figured it was stupid to act like I did. It wasn't fair to you, either." Red explained, squeezing his hand. "Also, I told Bebe last night, and Bebe said she wanted to double date with you and Clyde, so you can make sure Clyde doesn't do something silly or embarrassing so it doesn't matter anymore. Bebe has my back, and because she does, so do all the other girls."

Kevin furrowed his brow. "I don't get it."

She smiled softly at him. "It's ok. You don't need to know how all the science works to enjoy _Star Trek. _"

He still didn't fully get it but decided to employ his suspension of disbelief towards the inner workings of girl social structure. 

"Oh, well, if that's ok with you, then it's ok with me." Kevin felt giddy. He could walk through the school halls hand in hand with his girlfriend. They could talk about science or _Star Trek_ in the middle of recess. 

He dared to give Red a kiss on the cheek. To his surprise, she blushed but didn't get mad at him. With a laugh, Red began to pull him down the hallway.

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing tumblr](https://uas-fics.tumblr.com)


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